I was browsing my google analytics page to see how people are getting to my website, when I came across a delightful forum post at 99chan.org.
A young working-class lad of perhaps 23 sets himself up at a table and typewriter in my city of residence and, dressed in gentlemanly clothes and armed with a 17th century dictionary and copies of Shakespeare's comedic works, proceeds to produce for passersby unique, off-the-cuff "Shakespearean Insults" typed onto small slips of paper.
Some months ago while out for a promenade with the young lady I was courting at the time, We came upon this young man and he proceeded to produce for us, at no expense, two insults, and then instructed us to read them to each other "with gusto."
Well, my good sirs, I happily say we did just that and to this day the insult he had me read to my lady remains tacked to the corkboard in my study.
Anyhow, to get to the heart of my tale, my friend the OP might consider arming himself with the following phrase, provided to me free of charge by this most whimsical young Shakespearean Insulter:
"Thou errant doghearted flax-wench!"
As an aside for any who may be curious, here is the young man's website.
I have since retired the insult machine in favour of more lucrative pursuits, but I am nearly ready to revive it now. It appears my audience took some creative liberties that I approve of.